Best man jokes for weddings in the month of May

For weddings May 1

When (Groom) talked to me about his plans for the wedding and mentioned "May Day", at first I thought he was calling out for help.

For weddings May 1

It was on this day in 1707 that England and Scotland were united. In many ways, Scotland is the ideal bride to England's husband. Okay, she did have that fling with the French a while back, she's not always easy to understand, and the men in her family are all cross dressers. Then again, she’s great to have on your side in a fight, always keeps a good supply of whisky, and doesn't interfere when the World Cup's on.

For weddings May 9

On this day in 1671, Thomas "Captain" Blood stole the crown jewels from the Tower of London, and was later pardoned by Charles II. I thought that was a rather fitting fact, as (Bride) has often had to pardon (Groom) for some of the things he's done with his family jewels.

For weddings May 12

As well as today’s festivities, there’s another party of sorts happening this evening. It’s the final of the Eurovision song contest. (Groom) doesn't care much for that sort of thing. In fact, until last weekend he thought Bonnie Tyler was a handsome roofer from Scotland.

For weddings May 21

You might think it strange that an avid football fan like (Groom) organized his wedding on the all-important final day of the football season. But it all makes sense when you learn he's a Manchester United fan. Their season ended last October.

For weddings May 15

So, for the record, on 15th May 1940 in San Bernardino, California, the very first McDonald’s restaurant was opened. As for this wedding, I’m lovin’ it!

For weddings May 19

As there's another big event on today – the FA Cup Final – I think it's important to remember just how much marriage is like playing football. It requires skill, determination and patience but rewards you with joy and excitement. Plus a dirty tackle is guaranteed to get you sent off for an early bath.

For weddings May 27

On FA Cup Final day it's worth remembering that the happy couple are big footy fans – in fact, they spent a lot of their early relationship playing keepy-uppy. But since (Groom) got that new prescription I'm told that things have got much better. In fact, (Bride) assures me it's mostly one-touch nowadays.

For weddings May 20

The groom has done well to soldier on through today because the date of this wedding coincides with the anniversary of the loss of a man who had a massive impact on him; a man who he regarded as a true hero; a man who made his passage through life so much more bearable. I am speaking, of course, about the passing of Eugene Polley – the inventor of the TV remote control.

For weddings May 22

(Bride) and (Groom)’s wedding day also marks an important moment on the timeline of world history. It was on this day in 1826 that Charles Darwin embarked on his maiden voyage on the HMS Beagle, which eventually led to him publishing his findings that modern man is the result of evolution. Had (Groom) been around in Darwin’s day, he could have saved him the boat trip. As looking at (Groom) it’s obvious to anyone that we’re descended from primitive beings.

For weddings May 29

On this day back in 1953, Sir Edmund Hillary became the first person to reach the summit of Mount Everest. I know you'll appreciate this fact, (Groom) because, like Sir Edmund, you're a man who peaks early.